Every month Citycycling will be inviting a guest columnist to impart their knowledge of the cycling world to you, our dear readers. This month a man who possibly knows more about roads than any other living orang-utan. Some say he doesn't know the meaning of the word 'sandwich'; others tell us he knows the Highway Code backwards in Swahili; all we know is, he's called the Clarkson…

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You may be forgiven for thinking you've wandered out of the pages of an esteemed publication surrounding the use of the bicycle as a means of transport, but then you'd be wrong. You see, much like a parent putting a gate at the top of the stairs to stop a toddler taking a tumble to the very bottom, my very reason for being is to make the roads more safe. Caravans, for example. You're driving along in your Mercedes at a perfectly respectable 60 miles an hour and there it is ahead, a caravan. Now you could drive behind it for the 5 miles until it reaches the campsite. You could also wait for it to pull into the side of the road a little further on. But frankly who is going to do that? So you are forced into overtaking the caravan on a blind corner with a 100 foot drop on either side and a tanker lorry carrying 23 primary school children on a work experience placement coming the other way.

If you take away the caravan then you eliminate the danger. It's a simple equation. And so it is with cyclists who are killed by cars more readily than Iraqi police officials by a foreign woman with a suspiciously large bottom. Take the cyclists off the road and overnight no cyclists will be killed in the road. It's genius. I can't understand why no-one has suggested it before.

If we got rid of all the cyclists and pedestrians and caravans and buses and motorbikes and Mexicans from the roads they'd be much safer places to be for everyone. Just think about it, the roads would be back to being in place for those they were intended for, and for those who paid towards their upkeep. Now I know this may sound like health and safety gone mad, but it's actually countering the political correctness that says we're all supposed to like Poles and leave our cars, the ones we've paid for, on our drives.

We could start taxing cyclists and the money could be used to create proper facilities for them, places they could drive to to ride their bikes on little 'pretend' roads. The space used for bike racks could be used much more efficiently for car parking, after all nine cyclists aren't going to be able to buy as many things in the shops as one driver. David Cameron got it right when he said that multiculturalism had failed in Britain, but it wasn't just about the invading foreign hordes. Multiculturalism on the roads is an experiment which Britain should burn. Preferably under a speed camera.

.jeremy clarkson .the end

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